From my mother…

Thank you, Bubbles
© 2009
Julie Jordan Scott

I carried my camera with me to several occasions this past week but it sat, unused, in the bottom of my purse along with a broken pencil and a used up lipstick.

I touched the case but didn’t open it up save for one brief moment at Dagny’s when I took two photos, random still-life photos. I didn’t take a photo of anything with a pulse, which is my normal subject of choice.

I felt unsettled in my sadness. I knew intellectually my sadness was present, but I was unwilling to name it or honor it or give it space to roam. Part of how it festered was to take away my will to capture images.

I uploaded images from the recent past. I edited images in fun, Andy Warhol style and sepia or black and white.

I wasn’t ready to add to my collection of photos. Instead, I wanted to dwell a while in the “what had been” and know the “what was immediately in front of me” would be patient and wait.

I know some people might “tsk tsk” this choice and refer to it as something like “wallowing in self pity” and to those people, you may call it whatever you call it. I call it what worked for me in my process.

I spent too many years either denying my feelings or rushing my feelings. It causes more damage than it does good. I prefer “exploring” to “wallowing”, anyway. You might want to try it on the next time you are judging yourself or others.

More good news came last night, when I found a subject that delighted me and called me into it.

I belong to a number of groups on Flickr, including “Flickr Group Roulette” which was created for photographers like me who embark on crazy goals like the 365Day Self Portrait Project.

I looked up the theme, hoping it might yank my creative chain and sure enough, it worked. “Black and White Bubbles” was something I could do alongside my children, so we made a date with Sunset. “Meet us on the Bluffs” we said, and off we went about our day including a trip to the 99 Cent store for some cool wands for bubbles and Samuel, my love, wanted a boomerang. The coolest part of the 99 Cent store is requests are easily
honored, one at a time.

We laughed and the kids fought a little. My friend Jennie and her dog Bella eventually joined us. I took photos, Katherine took photos, Emma posed for shot after shot after shot. Samuel pondered on video and we reveled in
the cool grass against our bare skin as the sun set right in front of our eyes.

We laid back and looked at the big dipper. Emma asked Jennie some Math related questions. Sam asked some astronomy questions. Katherine rested,
quietly, contentedly.

I felt my shiny, patent leather camera bag fill the palm of my hand.

I swear I could feel its smile fill my hand.

It is ok to take your time with your feelings. It is ok when those feelings take the back seat to creativity. One does not preclude another. Both
feel just right in their own way.

My phone buzzed and it was a text from Katherine, who rested close by me on the grass. “Can we go home now, please?” she asked silently.

I texted back, “Yes” before saying aloud, “You guys ready to go home now?”

We gathered our bubble tools, our boomerang, and our love for each other and walked, once again, towards home.

peace…

Blog Project 365-09 #169